I love my girls!!

I just posted in my last post about how well my grandfather was doing, but everything went down hill. Thursday (August 30th) I had my anatomy scan, so I had to drive 45 minutes to the hospital. I know how it is to bring Alayna with me when I know I'm going to have to wait at the hospital, so I decided to ask my grandmother to watch her for me. She had absolutely no problem with it, and never does! I dropped Alayna off at around 12:00 and headed for the hospital. (The ultrasound went amazingly, but I'll post about that in a second...) We stopped for McDonalds before we headed home because no one had eaten all day and headed home afterwards. We were on 280 when my uncle's phone rings. My (maternal) grandfather called to tell us that my (paternal) grandfather was rushed to the hospital. My (paternal) grandmother stayed home with my daughter until we'd get there. They said he was fine and just needed to be checked out.

Of course there was some traffic by the parkway entrance, so we got there a little while later and I got my daughter set to go and we waited in the car for my (paternal) grandmother to come to the car. We were to drive her to the hospital so she could be with my grandpa.

I drop them off and head home with Alayna, and as I'm putting dinner on the table my uncle runs upstairs with the phone. He said I had to drive him to the hospital. I didn't know what was the big hurry and why he was so frantic, but he said that he had to get his oils (He's a priest) to go annoint my grandfather last rights. Now, that scared me!! They just said he was fine earlier!! I HAD SEEN HIM THAT MORNING FOR GOD'S SAKES!! So I get Alayna, run downstairs and have my (maternal) grandparents watch her while I go drive my uncle to the hospital.

Finally get to the hospital and my mom is outside crying her freaking eyes out. She told us that the doctor said he only had a day or so to live and we had to get in there. I'm not good with emotion, I don't cry in front of people, I hold everything in and do it myself at a later time, so I didn't really know what to do or say. He looked so helpless on the oxygen with tubes everywhere! The nurse explained to us that it wasn't life support he was on, just oxygen for assisted breathing. He could still breathe on his own, but that it wouldn't be long. He was conscious. His eyes were partially open and he moved in response to anything you said to him. He knew I was there and I guess that was a good thing. I don't know. The nurse had told us that he shot a clot. It was so sudden. I had seen him that morning and he was joking around and perfectly fine. I would never have believed that he was so lively that morning and that night dying!!!

My mom sent me home to go be with Alayna and said she'd call me because it would be a while. So I drove around for a bit first before going home and making dinner for my (maternal) grandparents and my daughter. Right after serving dinner my mom calls hysterically crying that my grandfather had passed away. I didn't know what to do or say or think. I've NEVER gotten a phone call like that before in my life. I coudn't cry, it was strange. It felt like my mom never said that. I just didn't know what to do. My dad died when I was so young that I don't remember anything, so I didn't know how to handle something like this.

I still don't know how to handle it. My grandmother is handling it well, but she never shows emotion. When my dad (her son) died 20 years ago, my mom said that she never shed a tear. All she did was criticize my mom about every little thing. I guess that was her way of handling it. She looked sad, her eyes showed extreme sadness, but she didn't cry. My mom took it bad. She cried half the night last night, blaming God for everything. My mom is very close to her in-laws and would do anything for them. She has done anything for them!

Life is so unpredictable. You could be here one minute and gone the next, and my grandfather proved that. Thursday morning he had his camera out, telling me to take pictures of Alayna while she was playing. My grandfather loved Alayna so much. I had taken two and then gave him the camera back telling him that I'd take more pictures when I got home from the doctors. I remember Thursday morning so clearly and I remember the look of happiness on his face when my daughter walked in. She actually said, "Hi pop pop!" to him before running in the living room and he was so happy to hear her say that. My grandfather was a big and intimidating looking man, to a child. I was intimidated by him when I was a baby and my daughter partially is, but she loves her Pop Pop.

Last night I wasn't feeling anything, but tonight I am. I feel terrible that I told him I'd take more pictures when I got home, because I never got the chance to and I never will get the chance to. My grandfather loved taking pictures and had a whole box full of my daughter. I regret that when I was there last weekend that I didn't take any pictures of my daughter with my grandfather. I was planning on it and it just slipped my mind. I regret not saying more to him when I was at the hospital Thursday night. As I said, I'm not good at that stuff. I just said, "I'll see you later, Pop Pop. Get better." I didn't even tell him that I loved him. I was never that close to him, he always had that distance from me for some reason, but I loved him anyway. He helped me pay for my college, he helped me with so much.

I don't know how I'm going to make it through his wake. I'm just sitting here crying writing this. Yesterday I couldn't cry and now I can't stop. Ugh. I'm just thinking about what an amazing grandfather he was to Alayna and how he'll never get to see Olivia. Alayna probably won't remember him... Olivia won't know him...

I do know that my grandfather is with my father now. He's not alone. He waited 20 years to be back with my father. My grandfather lived a great life and I know he's at peace, now. I know they will both be there with me in spirit when I have Olivia and they'll help me along I just miss my grandpa.

Today I went to my grandma's house because Alayna wanted to see her, and it was so empty. His room was just there. My grandfather is usually always sitting at the table reading or in his room, but always came out when I came there. He had a loud voice that there was never quiet in that house. When I went there today it was just still. So quiet and so scary. I've never seen that house that quiet.

I could go on and on, but I'm just gonna stop now. I don't want to ramble. I should get to bed. It's 3 am.

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